Sunday, June 7, 2009

If I could only imagine

Tonight. All my kids are in bed. Dallas is asleep on the couch. I took some time to write to my missionary brothers. Then I posted. I read blogs. I read about loss. I remorse.

When my Mom died. I was okay. When we planned the funeral, I was okay. When we had the service, I was kind of okay. When I have gone to her grave, I am okay. For her birthday and Mother's day, I was okay. I think there are a few reasons. Heavenly Father knew how emotional I would be with pregnancy hormones and I had a protective sheet around me (I really think that). I knew that Kaden was with my Mom. I knew that my Mom needed some rest, she needed a break and this place, this Paradise where she now resides, is unthinkable. And my Mom deserves it! She is with Grandma S., Grandpa W., Nan, Aunt Pam, Uncle Steve. Their reunion was sweet. I could feel it.

Now it's been almost five months, five months without a Mom. If I could only imagine. It is harder for me now then it was then. It seems to get harder every day. I can't see her but I know that she can see me. I think I am writing this because I want her to know how much I love her. That days turn to weeks into months and it doesn't change that I miss her. I want her to know that I am grateful she is there, I know she can help all of our family more there then she could have here, and I still miss her. I want her to know that she is an unyielding and welding link in our family. She is the reason we had family trips, and we will continue to have those family trips in memory of her, we will carry those traditions on, and we will still miss you (we know you are close). We will serve others & take out time to have spiritual thoughts, in memory of you, because of you. We will listen, we will have sympathy for others who are struggling, and we will still miss you.

I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father, I am so thankful for our Savior, Jesus Christ, and realize that I can't comprehend the anguish they felt. and I can rejoice in the plan of Happiness. I will see my mom again because of Them. If I could only imagine!

12 comments:

Jaime said...

My heart aches for you Jame! I was pregnant when my dad passed away and that's exactly how it was for me. I think it felt like it downward spiraled for a year. I could not figure out why I was so emotional about it when I thought the hardest times should have passed. But just know, someday, sometime, you will get to a point where time really does heal. Hang in there. Oh and if you still want announcements, let me know!

Julie said...

Man, I hate it!!! I have good days and things don't bother me, but it's like it builds and builds, and all the little things finally come together and make one horrendous day. I am glad we have each other when times are bad and even though it makes me cry, I enjoy thoughts on Mom. I don't know that there will ever be a day that we won't miss her, but maybe one day it won't hurt so bad. Love you!

Rachel said...

im sorry jamie....I can only imagine what you must be feeling. I hope that your thoughts will get lost in your kids and your pain will ease. In time it will be nothing but happy thoughts for you! Stay strong you are amazing!

Heather K said...

Your thoughts were so touching. I think about you often and wonder if you're doing ok. Hang in there.....it takes a long time but that hole in your heart you feel will shrink slowly. Baby blues don't help the situation. Wish I could just meet ya for a girls night out! Luvs

Hayley said...

Jaymi! So lucky Keith and I ran into you! What a beautiful post about your sweet mom and NO- I can't imagine- although I could still feel the tears building up thinking about it. I loved reading about Kaden's delivery- no epidural hah? that's my worst nightmare this time around- but thanks for prepping me and I guess you can survive either way- right? So much to look forward to! I'm glad we can keep in touch a little better now- you and Dallas and your beautiful family sound like you are doing awesome- so happy for you guys!

Camille and Jay said...

I just cried my eyes out!! I guess I needed a good cry!! You mom is so sweet and I didn't know her well but I am glad that I had the opportunity to know her a little bit! Your such a great writer:) Hang in there if you ever want to get away have your loaded Doctor hubby send you to oklahoma:) I promise we would have a good time:) We have extra room too:) Just a thought!

Marcie said...

Ah Jaymi, I'm so sorry for your pain. Each time I see you and Julie, I notice all of the wonderful qualities that your mom gave you two. Your lives are such a testament to her. Love ya.

Mary Ann said...

Jaymi, I'm so glad you wrote how you feel! I am always thinking about you! I can't imagine what you are going through! I love you and hope you can feel some peace.. You are amazing! (and have the cutest kids by the way.. can't wait to see Kaden in person!)

Chase and Teresa said...

I can only imagine what you must be going through. It was so difficult when Chase's dad died. We just took flowers to the cemetery for father's day, and Chase told Ashlyn that he missed his dad. Ashlyn told him "Why do you miss him, Daddy? He is with Jesus, and we will see him when we go to Jesus." What a blessing it is to know that we can see our loved ones again. Love ya!

Karalee said...

Jaym....I am so sorry for your hurt. You are a rock though and of course you will endure this and grow even stronger through your suffering. What a great mom you are and such a great example to me in so many ways. I miss you tons girl, and love you lots.

YouHaveHowMany? said...

Jaymi,
I happened upon your blog from Katie Udall's. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I too am no stranger to it. My prayers go out to you that you will be carried when you need to be. Congratulations on your cutie-pie! Good to "see" you from your pictures! My family blog is private and will send you an invite if you'd like. I do have a blog for my daughter that I lost last year. It's http://rebeccaphoebe.blogspot.com/
Don't feel pressure to read it... I just wanted to tell you that I know....
Love you!
Becca (Jordan) Michel

Holli said...

I know this is a little late, but I am so sorry to hear about your mom's passing. Your post made me tear up for you. It must be so hard. You seem to have such a good perspective despite it all. My thoughts and prayers go out to your family. I enjoyed reading about how much you enjoy Julie. Sisters really help you through a lot! You have a cute little bunch. Congratulations on your baby boy.